hrm. Sunday, December 28, 2003: It seems impossible to find a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" that's available in this town. Stupid people who don't return movies that I want on time.... *** Bah. I don't even know why I'm still awake. jebus, I think my eyes are about to drop out of their sockets. ew. ps. I hate tv. really. whee!! Add a comment Linder // 5:07 a.m. ______________________ Saturday, December 27, 2003: So, as often happens with this things, it's been a few months since my last internet vomit. I'm back in Fort McMurray with all of my family here for Christmas. Not to turn this directly to my mother, but seeing her was really good this time. I still feel helpless and frightened of the future, but I know that she's well taken care of and she's so much happier now. The way she's progressed is to a better disposition than the last stage of this thing that I saw. She doesn't know my name when she sees me, but she know it's a good thing that we're together. "Now: on to happier topics; I promised." It seems that being out west (and away from most of the things that distract me, as much as I love them) brings out the writer in me. I'm not going to share any of it here because the last time I put poetry on the internet it got me a whole lot of junk mail and false pretenses. But I guess solitude and the need to fill time also fills my page. I've come to the conclusion that everyone should at least try to write a real love song sometime in their life. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that one yet. Besides: I suck at composing:P All right... Time to go waste my brain on cable tv (because I don't have it at my house!). So, remember: don't talk about death, smile, and music makes booty spin 'round! whee!! Add a comment Linder // 2:40 a.m. ______________________ Monday, July 21, 2003: Well, hello there out in electro-land. Today was a banner day for me. I managed to ruin a perfectly good conversation with my boyfriend by way of my sarcasm (and this is on the phone too.... poo on being in Fort M. with the rest of my life being in NS). I think I'm in an emotionally hieghtened state anyhow. Today, about 3 hours ago, my father and I dropped my mother off at the hospital. For permanent care. As in she is no longer capable of caring for herself and we do not have the means to properly care for her here. My mother. She cried when we were unpacking her things. I don't think she knows why she's in the hospital. She tried to get on the elevator with us when we left and had to be distracted by the nurses so we could go. holy shit that was hard. My family isn't one of those "just let your feelings out" types. We're strong. We don't cry a lot. Well... not too often anyway. A lot of emotion is "understood", like the 'you' in the sentance,"wash the dishes." I wonder sometimes if I've tried to numb myself and it ends up coming out in other ways. For instance: over the past year or so I've cried at more movies than I ever had in the rest of my life combined. I almost cried at a commmercial the other day. Well, every other day. Television. That shit isn't worth crying at, and yet I am on the verge. It's not that it's shameful in my house to cry, but the immediate reaction is,"How do we make this stop?" I suppose that's how anyone looks at someone the care about who's in pain, but sometimes I believe that it's better just to be sad; to experience the tears and the hurt and maybe that knot in my stomach and my throat and my back and everywhere else that I secretly store feelings will release a little. Sorry... not very perky tonight. I'm dwelling on the possibilities that my life could entertain. Will I aquire the same disease as my mother? Will my brain slowly self-destruct without my knowledge and to the anguish of the people around me? Do I only have 20 more years with which to complete my life's goals? Will my mother live on to experience years of confusion and finally continue in a vegetable-like state, or will the verile disease take hold more quickly and hasten this process? Is it nobler to hang on to what you've got while you've got it, or to want the end to come mercifully? Let's sleep on that one. !!eehw Add a comment Linder // 2:42 a.m. ______________________
It seems impossible to find a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" that's available in this town. Stupid people who don't return movies that I want on time.... *** Bah. I don't even know why I'm still awake. jebus, I think my eyes are about to drop out of their sockets. ew. ps. I hate tv. really. whee!! Add a comment Linder // 5:07 a.m.
So, as often happens with this things, it's been a few months since my last internet vomit. I'm back in Fort McMurray with all of my family here for Christmas. Not to turn this directly to my mother, but seeing her was really good this time. I still feel helpless and frightened of the future, but I know that she's well taken care of and she's so much happier now. The way she's progressed is to a better disposition than the last stage of this thing that I saw. She doesn't know my name when she sees me, but she know it's a good thing that we're together. "Now: on to happier topics; I promised." It seems that being out west (and away from most of the things that distract me, as much as I love them) brings out the writer in me. I'm not going to share any of it here because the last time I put poetry on the internet it got me a whole lot of junk mail and false pretenses. But I guess solitude and the need to fill time also fills my page. I've come to the conclusion that everyone should at least try to write a real love song sometime in their life. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that one yet. Besides: I suck at composing:P All right... Time to go waste my brain on cable tv (because I don't have it at my house!). So, remember: don't talk about death, smile, and music makes booty spin 'round! whee!! Add a comment Linder // 2:40 a.m.
Well, hello there out in electro-land. Today was a banner day for me. I managed to ruin a perfectly good conversation with my boyfriend by way of my sarcasm (and this is on the phone too.... poo on being in Fort M. with the rest of my life being in NS). I think I'm in an emotionally hieghtened state anyhow. Today, about 3 hours ago, my father and I dropped my mother off at the hospital. For permanent care. As in she is no longer capable of caring for herself and we do not have the means to properly care for her here. My mother. She cried when we were unpacking her things. I don't think she knows why she's in the hospital. She tried to get on the elevator with us when we left and had to be distracted by the nurses so we could go. holy shit that was hard. My family isn't one of those "just let your feelings out" types. We're strong. We don't cry a lot. Well... not too often anyway. A lot of emotion is "understood", like the 'you' in the sentance,"wash the dishes." I wonder sometimes if I've tried to numb myself and it ends up coming out in other ways. For instance: over the past year or so I've cried at more movies than I ever had in the rest of my life combined. I almost cried at a commmercial the other day. Well, every other day. Television. That shit isn't worth crying at, and yet I am on the verge. It's not that it's shameful in my house to cry, but the immediate reaction is,"How do we make this stop?" I suppose that's how anyone looks at someone the care about who's in pain, but sometimes I believe that it's better just to be sad; to experience the tears and the hurt and maybe that knot in my stomach and my throat and my back and everywhere else that I secretly store feelings will release a little. Sorry... not very perky tonight. I'm dwelling on the possibilities that my life could entertain. Will I aquire the same disease as my mother? Will my brain slowly self-destruct without my knowledge and to the anguish of the people around me? Do I only have 20 more years with which to complete my life's goals? Will my mother live on to experience years of confusion and finally continue in a vegetable-like state, or will the verile disease take hold more quickly and hasten this process? Is it nobler to hang on to what you've got while you've got it, or to want the end to come mercifully? Let's sleep on that one. !!eehw Add a comment Linder // 2:42 a.m.
