hrm. Monday, July 21, 2003: Well, hello there out in electro-land. Today was a banner day for me. I managed to ruin a perfectly good conversation with my boyfriend by way of my sarcasm (and this is on the phone too.... poo on being in Fort M. with the rest of my life being in NS). I think I'm in an emotionally hieghtened state anyhow. Today, about 3 hours ago, my father and I dropped my mother off at the hospital. For permanent care. As in she is no longer capable of caring for herself and we do not have the means to properly care for her here. My mother. She cried when we were unpacking her things. I don't think she knows why she's in the hospital. She tried to get on the elevator with us when we left and had to be distracted by the nurses so we could go. holy shit that was hard. My family isn't one of those "just let your feelings out" types. We're strong. We don't cry a lot. Well... not too often anyway. A lot of emotion is "understood", like the 'you' in the sentance,"wash the dishes." I wonder sometimes if I've tried to numb myself and it ends up coming out in other ways. For instance: over the past year or so I've cried at more movies than I ever had in the rest of my life combined. I almost cried at a commmercial the other day. Well, every other day. Television. That shit isn't worth crying at, and yet I am on the verge. It's not that it's shameful in my house to cry, but the immediate reaction is,"How do we make this stop?" I suppose that's how anyone looks at someone the care about who's in pain, but sometimes I believe that it's better just to be sad; to experience the tears and the hurt and maybe that knot in my stomach and my throat and my back and everywhere else that I secretly store feelings will release a little. Sorry... not very perky tonight. I'm dwelling on the possibilities that my life could entertain. Will I aquire the same disease as my mother? Will my brain slowly self-destruct without my knowledge and to the anguish of the people around me? Do I only have 20 more years with which to complete my life's goals? Will my mother live on to experience years of confusion and finally continue in a vegetable-like state, or will the verile disease take hold more quickly and hasten this process? Is it nobler to hang on to what you've got while you've got it, or to want the end to come mercifully? Let's sleep on that one. !!eehw Add a comment Linder // 2:42 a.m. ______________________
Well, hello there out in electro-land. Today was a banner day for me. I managed to ruin a perfectly good conversation with my boyfriend by way of my sarcasm (and this is on the phone too.... poo on being in Fort M. with the rest of my life being in NS). I think I'm in an emotionally hieghtened state anyhow. Today, about 3 hours ago, my father and I dropped my mother off at the hospital. For permanent care. As in she is no longer capable of caring for herself and we do not have the means to properly care for her here. My mother. She cried when we were unpacking her things. I don't think she knows why she's in the hospital. She tried to get on the elevator with us when we left and had to be distracted by the nurses so we could go. holy shit that was hard. My family isn't one of those "just let your feelings out" types. We're strong. We don't cry a lot. Well... not too often anyway. A lot of emotion is "understood", like the 'you' in the sentance,"wash the dishes." I wonder sometimes if I've tried to numb myself and it ends up coming out in other ways. For instance: over the past year or so I've cried at more movies than I ever had in the rest of my life combined. I almost cried at a commmercial the other day. Well, every other day. Television. That shit isn't worth crying at, and yet I am on the verge. It's not that it's shameful in my house to cry, but the immediate reaction is,"How do we make this stop?" I suppose that's how anyone looks at someone the care about who's in pain, but sometimes I believe that it's better just to be sad; to experience the tears and the hurt and maybe that knot in my stomach and my throat and my back and everywhere else that I secretly store feelings will release a little. Sorry... not very perky tonight. I'm dwelling on the possibilities that my life could entertain. Will I aquire the same disease as my mother? Will my brain slowly self-destruct without my knowledge and to the anguish of the people around me? Do I only have 20 more years with which to complete my life's goals? Will my mother live on to experience years of confusion and finally continue in a vegetable-like state, or will the verile disease take hold more quickly and hasten this process? Is it nobler to hang on to what you've got while you've got it, or to want the end to come mercifully? Let's sleep on that one. !!eehw Add a comment Linder // 2:42 a.m.
